Dan and I have recently revisted the idea of me going back to work next year. I feel like we have this conversation every six months or so. But the truth is, Natalie will be in first grade next year (crazy), which means that she will be in a school for a full day whether it be private or public. And the bro, well, he needs to go somewhere other than my hip for a few hours every day. At the very least, a couple days a week for socialization so he stops yelling "Baby!" in every body's face when they want to play with him or near him. When he isn't yelling, he is trying to be a five year old girl. Dan says that this is just the beginning of these conversations, but really, it is one very long one that we can resolve. "Just to start thinking about our options," he says.
However, I can't stop obsessing. Truly it is all I can think about...hiking in the woods, running on the treadmill, doing laundry, making dinner, driving Natalie to school, as I lay in bed re-reading the same sentence of my current book...I wrote this entry in the car (as a passenger) because I couldn't stop thinking about it.
Most of the time I am making mental pro and con lists, and honestly the pros are outweighing the cons in quantity but as for quality they just don't meet up. The only true con I have is that my kids will no longer be my first priority. I mean of course they will, they always will, but for eight hours in this middle of the day I will be with other people's children, focusing on their educations. And when we do all get to be home we will have a couple of short hours before everyone needs to go to bed so I can continue to work, grading and planning. And our weekends will be shortened because I will need to grade and plan, and they will take a backseat to 70 other kid's projects because I am obligated to them, and their parents, and my principal, and school district, and board of education. Whether I like it or not, that is just the plain old truth.
I have been a working mother and I know working mothers, and we delegate because we have to. We delegate the care of the kids to a day care or nanny, the "home cooked" meals to Trader Joe's and WholeFoods, the cleaning to a team of professionals (ok, I have already delegated that one) but you get the point.
Being a SAHM is a full time job, for serious. It is thankless, and long, and doesn't pay the bills, but it is a twelve hour day minimum. And for anyone who has every worked two jobs, you have to know that you just can't really do them both as well as you intend to or want to. One of them must suffer.
It is a pickle that Dan and I keep getting into. We want to have it all and we just can't. I can't make a pound cake and homemade whipped cream for dessert and work a "real" job. I just can't do it. Super Mom, perhaps...but Super Woman, definitely not.