Sunday, March 28, 2010

Violet, You're Turning Violet, Violet

I am a gum chewer. Primarily because I am also a stress eater. I wish I were one of those people who, when faced with any type of emotional crisis, would just shut down and go to bed. But I don't. I head for the bread, of which there is little in my house or for cookies, of which there are none in my house, unless you count the Trader Joe's fig bars that my children consume as though it were their jobs. And if you count those as cookies, well then, I head for those. I should be 300 pounds, but I am not, because I chew gum.

I also enjoy blowing bubbles...with the gum that is. This disgusting past time lead me to always have a pack of Carefree peppermint and Carefree bubblegum. The combination of these two flavors were perfect for long lasting minty flavor and the aforementioned bubble blowing. Then Orbit arrived with its Bubblemint and I was in business; I no longer had to buy two packs of gum! However, after Bubblemint, Orbit and other gum brands were coming out with crazy new flavors and every time I saw the "new" stamped on the package I simple had to try it. One of these new gums was going to be the be all, end all of gums. The gum that actually lasted and extra, extra long time and would let me kiss a little longer, stay close a little longer. Citrus, citrusmint, pomegranate blueberry, wild blueberry, wild strawberry, sangria, margarita, and there there are gums with names just like, "fresh", "wild", "savage."

My gum chewing had gone beyond just keeping my mouth occupied so I wouldn't eat loaves of bread, it became a mission to find the gum that would provide me with a three course meal: hot split pea soup, roast beef and mashed potatoes with gravy, and of course, blueberry pie for dessert. Trident came out with layers of flavor, supposedly so good I could pay my babysitter with it. What a money saver that would be. I gave in--I bought it. I was disappointed. So much so, that I wouldn't even offer a piece to my babysitter, let alone pay her with it.

Then....THEN...Stride has a new "Mystery Flavor" That is what it is called. Even the packaging screamed Willy Wonka with its swirly twirly psychedlic cover. I was sure to be serenaded by little orange men after chewing a piece of this gum. I closed my eyes to concentrate on unlocking the mystery of this flavor. There is no mystery. It tasted like every other disappointing gum flavor that touts to be the best flavor.

I will not be rolled to the juicing room today, neither because I have been filled with blueberry juice nor because I am padded with carbohydrates.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Net Worth

Over a year ago, I told Dan that I was going to start a blog. To which he responded, "You know, if you start a blog, you have to keep up with it." He wasn't telling me I couldn't do it, but he wasn't really telling me I could either. But here I am, writing about seemingly mundane life, and people read it. This astounds me. I mean, my inner circle and some of my family read it, not that they have do, but they kind of do because I ask them. Seriously, they will be like, "Kristen, how was blah blah blah?" And I respond, "Don't you read my blog?"

Recently some people have come out of the woodwork to tell me that they read it. People who I will not quiz to make sure they have actually read it. With no obligation to me, they read it. This fact makes me feel good about myself.

Then, I logged into my account one day to find that I had two people who follow my blog who I don't even know! What? I mean, I have arrived! And the best yet, is that my last post received a comment from a third person I don't know.

This must be what I feels like to be a popular girl in high school. If only I had had a blog then...the possibilities.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Infomercial Princess

About a month or so ago, Natalie came upstairs and very specifically asked me for a Glad ForceFlex garbage bag. This is the brand we use in the kitchen, but we have other types of bags, so I assumed that Dan had sent her up to ask for this specific type. She returns upstairs maybe fifteen-twenty minutes later to return said bag. But only after she showed me how she could stick her finger through the bag and it wouldn't tear.

I stood confused. Not that she was sticking her finger through it, but she and I went back and forth as to why Daddy wasn't keeping this bag downstairs. I came to find out, through Dan, that she did bring the bag to him, only to ask how a Glad ForceFlex garbage bag works. He showed her how he could put his fist through it without tearing it, to which she responded, "And it has a stretchy top so it doesn't fall in the garbage can."

Once Dan and I melded our stories together and later saw a commercial for the garbage bags which stated something about the stretchy top, things started to come together.

Since this exchange, Natalie has informed us on how space saver bags really do save a space in the closet and we can shrink down four pillows and two comforters in one bag! AND, they can get wet and our clothes will be fine.

Today, we were in CVS looking for batteries, when Natalie turned to her left, "Oh! Mommy! Look!" What caught her eye, you ask? It would be none other than the Snuggie. "Oh, Mommy, you need this because it will keep you warm and cozy and you can wear it anywhere."

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Remember When

Remember yesterday, when I out right said that I would need to remind myself how sweet and cute and adorable my daughter is before she drives me insane? Yeah, well, that time has come. Inwardly, I chant a silent mantra, I love her, I love her, I love her because I do, very much, but man that kid knows exactly which buttons to push. AND she knows to push them when I have no back up, because Dan will not be home tonight, and I swear she knows just how to beat me down. Really, it's a skill.

And my head has a dull throbbing and my eyes are burning, because it took fifteen minutes for her to actually get her hands under the running water only after she hit her head and twenty minutes to eat only the tops off of three pieces of broccoli after she bit her cheek. Although it would seem that ultimately I won, I didn't because she didn't just do it the first time, everything was a battle. And while I may have lost part of each, I am winning on teaching her the concept of Karma, because after she hit her head, I asked her if she knew why, and through her little whines, I deciphered, "Because I didn't listen to you." And after she bit her cheek, I asked her if she knew why, " Because I didn't just sit down and eat my broccoli."

The small victory...for today.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Three Syllables

My baby girl keeps growing up and combined with the forty days and forty nights of rain, it is making me sad. She no longer fits into the clothes in the baby girl section, because her giraffe like legs and torso fit into a size six. Which means that while they are still cute clothes, they have this slight hint of being too mature for her.

Today, she told me she can't wait until she's eighteen and I assured her that I could totally wait for that day to come, in fact I would like her to stop right here, actually I want her to go back two years. She cocked her head and a gave me a pity look and said, "Mommy, I can't help that I'm growing up." It was so true and innocent and sweet. The type of thing I need to remember later on today when she is driving me insane.

And although she is growing up and is only a four and a half year old dressed in six year old clothing, there are some things she does that remind me that she is still little.

She says, mag-a-net, rec-a-tangle, biz-a-ness, Dis-a-ney and soon she is going to realize that this is not the way to say these words. I know this for a fact, because today in the car, she explained to me the definition with examples of a palindrome, which is pronounced correctly.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


We've been pretty lucky this school year in terms of illnesses. We all passed around a hearty cold in September, and until this past weekend have been healthy. Ah, but this weekend. I don't know who gave it to whom, but the bro, Nat and I were hit. And the bro and I were hit hard.

I spent most of Sunday evening and the early hours of Monday morning tossing and turning due to the shards of glass I thought I was swallowing and the fact that I couldn't breathe out of my nose. The combination of these left me waking up every fifteen minutes. When Monday finally arrived, I was so miserable that Dan had to take the day off of work because I couldn't function. This was compounded by the day time cold medicine that says very specifically on the bottle, "non-drowsy" that made me very drowsy in fact. Izzy, RN told me this is the "paradoxical effect." In my cold medicine hang over, I needed to know about this condition from which I suffer. When she said it a second time, and I put together the "paradox" part, I felt a little foolish. I am, after all, a trained English teacher. Really, the only cure I know of for the common cold, is a few pints of beer. I kid you not, I tested this theory in college and if it doesn't cure the cold outright, it does a bang up job of masking the symptoms.

Since Dan had to return to work on Tuesday, and I clearly couldn't be left alone with my children while taking non-drowsy-drowsy day time cold medicine, nor could I drink a few beers in the middle of the day, I was left to just suck it up and push through. So I raked the yard and stacked some wood, got Joey a haircut, and played a quick game of operation. Today I am sore and tired and still have a cold. My arms hurt from raking, I have two blisters on my left hand, my abs hurt from coughing, my nose is raw from blowing, nothing has any flavor and the the one thing I did want to eat today, the bro wanted so I gave it to him and was too lazy to make something else, so I didn't.

I may have stumbled not upon a new cure for the common cold, but a new way to shed a few pounds and tone up.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

It's About the Hair

Something has happened since I cut off all of my hair.

Last week, after dropping Natalie off at school, my windshield wiper blade flew off my car while I was driving down 495. Of course, this happened on the driver's side while it was wintry mixing. Once I arrived home, I looked at the the other blade to see if there was some way that I could switch the passenger side over, at least until Dan arrived home and could fix it properly. Then, when placing, which probably isn't the right word, the wiper arm down on my windshield, I cracked the glass.


Today, I managed to close my fingers in the car door, from the inside of the car, at the top of the window. Try and figure out how I managed that. I had to reach over myself to open the door to release my fingers. Dan almost choked on his lunch because he was laughing so hard at me.

So either the product that I now have to use on my super short hair is seeping through my skull and into my brain, or much like Sampson, Michael Landon and Kevin Sorbo, my strength and common sense was attached to all that hair that has been swept away to Fantastic Sam's garbage.