Torn

I am losing sleep and watching more strands of dark brown hair turn gray over whether or not I should return to a full time, salaried position. Technically, I am still on maternity leave because in the wake of the "economic climate" it is cheaper to pay substitute teachers than those with degrees and licences and certifications. But I willingly left my classroom with all of my well developed binders of units and lesson plans for the opportunity to stay home with my kids. And the joy of motherhood much outweighs the stress and frustration caused by a four-year-old girl.

Earlier this month, while at a tea with other mothers of Natalie's classmates one woman commented on how if she had a daughter she wouldn't pay for her to go to school...what was the point? She (the hypothetical daughter) would waste(I am not sure if this was the actual word she used, but it was certainly the point she was getting at) it all once she (hypothetical daughter) had children. Hmmm.

First, I was glad that she didn't have a daughter. How terrible to deny a child you don't have the privilege of an education. Perhaps that is the educator in me, or the fact that I have a daughter who may or may not want to have children and may or may not want to have a career too, is it my right to tell her it has to be either or, that she can't have both? Or maybe it is because I have a higher education and I feel that I have to choose between a career and family, because honestly it is hard to do it both. IF I go back to work, do we, GASP, send Natalie to public school, which would only be a half day next year so she would still need some sort of day care as well as the bro would have to be in full time day care AND we would HAVE to have a cleaning person come to our house. Do I stay home and we send Natalie to GASP public school, which I really think at least next year would be a step back in her education. Or do I go back to work and we hire another woman to play me while I am at work so that I can pay her to take my child to school and dote on my son AND clean my house in the hours that I am gone? And for what? So I can try and force middle schoolers to love literature and try with all my might to convince them that grammar is better than the reputation that precedes it? Instead of playing on the swing set in the late afternoon and going to story time I can be planning and grading poorly written papers because I haven't convinced middle schoolers to love literature and that grammar is better than the reputation that precedes it? Am I wasting my education because I want to raise my children?

Can you see it? Do you see the new gray hair that has emerged just from writing this post?

Loose Ends

I. A Face for the Name

1. Meet Alissa

i. she married my male best friend from college

a. yes, boy friends do eventually ( in 99% of my cases meet girlfriends who you either befriend or lose them both, I decided to fight for the friendship (literally, in a girl passive-aggressive way) and ended up with a new girlfriend - totally worth it)

ii. she loves coffee as much as me

iii. she drinks RED wine

iv. she reads the same books as me

v. she can drink a bottle of Bailey's on her own (no joke, I have seen it done and remind her of it regularly, truthfully, this is probably the reason I love her most)

vi. she birthed ( (ha ha Stevie G.) Joey's BFF a week before he was born)

vii. there is potential that she may one day live near the Hudson, MA area

viii. Alissa is the one who is not Holly, Izzy or me.

II. Halloween Decorations

1. Natalie did these all by herself

i. I began to tell her how she should assemble them, but bit my tongue and walked away as to not afflict her with my anal-retentive disorder

III. Paper Cranes

1. I stopped folding them when people stopped RSVPing

2. I am all done with wedding showers and have moved on to the baby shower and birthday party phase of my life.

i. these days, even a baby shower is a stretch

IV. Haircuts

1. I only posted Joey because I feel like I always blog about the Nattie G. and honestly her hair is still long and gorgeous, but my little man looks like a little man.

V. I feel as though a huge blog weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I may proceed with the scheduled programming.

Seven

1. I am a mere twenty-two and my boyfriend of two years, he four years my senior, is holding a NASCAR canvas bad in front of me. "Open it." he says, "Your graduation gift is inside." I was expecting some sort of leather tote to take with me on my first job. Instead, I found a diamond set in platinum. Normally, I would make fun of girls like me.

2. The Pearl River Hilton. It is part castle and part what I imagine a chalet tucked on a mountain would look like. I knew at seventeen this would be the location of my wedding. A regal structure with a backyard landscaped out of a Monet painting - footbridge and all.

3. My mother, mother-in-law to be, and I have journeyed into Brooklyn. Kleinfeld's, the mecca of wedding dress houses was still located there. They have since moved up to the streets of Manhattan and gotten themselves their own reality show. There is a sea of satin, tulle, and organza. Ballroom, a line, sheath, strapless, sweetheart, halter, cap sleeves, white, pearl, natural, antique, Amsale, Ann Barge, Badgley Mischka, some serious haute couture that is awkward to look at. Below us seamstresses working like in the basement like wedding elves to make each dress perfect.

4. I have clippings and catalogs color coded. Pictures and collages I have been creating for months from the pages torn from InStyle and Martha Stewart. Ideas that "Frank the Florist" wishes were his, which he later tries to charge me $10,000 for. Hmmmm, these were my ideas, Frank. No thank you.

5. Three links to my childhood, four college roommates, my sisters- old and new dressed in wine.

6. "Are you ready?" my father asks. I 'm hyperventilating which makes it difficult to answer. I see the priest from the church of my childhood and my husband-to-be's rabbi. The rabbi asks me to repeat after him...in Hebrew. No one told me there would be Hebrew. It was beautiful, but all I can remember is being concerned my nose was running and I would have streaks of mascara running down my perfectly made up face.

7. "Here, to introduced to you, for the very first time, Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Rabinowitz!" cue applause, enter happy couple double doors left, cue band..."I got the world on a string...."

Menu

Fall makes me want to cook:

Sunday: Barbecue Turkey Sandwiches with Celery Salad

Monday: Halibut with Lentils and Mustard Sauce

Tuesday: Roasted Chicken with Apples and Leeks

Wednesday: Pork Chops with Balsamic Onions

Thursday: Poached Scallops with Leeks and Carrots

If you should show up for dinner any of these nights, please be sure to bring a bottle of wine.

They Like Me, They Really Like Me

Today, when I dropped Natalie off at school, supermom and class mother extraordinaire, Elana asked if I had time for her to "pick my brain." Honestly, for the life of me I couldn't imagine what in my brain was worth anything to her, but she stopped me and Suzy to enlist us in a "Top 10" project because she thinks we are funny.

WHA? I told Elana that I needed to call my mother and tell her this, because my family thinks that I am seriously uptight. To which she laughed. Only I think she laughed because she thought I was kidding....but I wasn't. I believe the other truth that I have told Elana that has sent her into this delusional tailspin of misinterpreted humor is:

One day she asked if I had my hair cut, which in itself if funny because who has time for a haircut when there is Facebook farming and blogging to do? I assured her that I had not gotten a haircut, I was just clean. Again, I think she thought this was a joke, but I have recently found maximum personal hygiene is so not a priority in my life. I brush my teeth and change my undies and am pretty much on my way. I did not overshare that last bit. That's just for you all. ;)

So now I am under all this pressure to be funny for a pre-school top ten list of why you should come to the Scholastic Book Fair. Yes, you read that right. I am making a funny list about a book fair. Further, Suzy (other funny mom and professional writer) thinks we should meet for coffee and brainstorm together. It is wonderful to be accepted, but at what cost? I am going to have to chew some gum, drink large amounts of caffeine, and unclog some pores over this list.

On a totally unrelated note - the followers are coming in droves! Yay for Emily. If you haven't checked out her own blog, you must. And while you are checking her out, link to the Smitten Kitchen, too if only just to look at beautiful food you aren't going to make yourself. (That one is really for you, Steve)

Not What I Intended

So I was totally going to post about my wildly eccentric European neighbor, who I have a new found love for and in tomorrow's post you will find out why. How is that for a cliff hanger? But when I signed on to fill you in on her amazing Austrian whimsy (how I wish I could spend a day with her) I found that I had a new friend following my blog, which made me more excited than Eurpoean neighbor's Halloween decorated orange VW bug. DAMN! I gave it away. But bienvenidos a Jen Reed! Jen and I were mates in many a Spanish class at UNH and partied hard to Ricky Martin in Grana, which is Spanish for Granada. Que fantastico!

JFK Airport circa 1998

I believe this is taken at the end of the first semester abroad en frente de estatua de Reina Isabel y Cristobol Colon. If not, it is Plaza Real.

Guilty Conscience

I have something I have to get off my chest. I have been detoxing from processed foods and refined sugars three weeks tomorrow. In that time have I been perfect? No, but I have stayed pretty damn close...until today. Today we went to the "Welcome Back Fall Festival" at Natalie's school, which boasted a donut eating contest, a popcorn machine, and a bake off...need I say more?

How does one pass up a bake off? I donated another two dollars of my husband's money to the school to make a *small plate that held:

a piece of fudge

a bite size piece of a chocolate covered chocolate baked good

a quarter of a carrot cake sandwich (which I voted for, FYI - YUM!)

a waste of space toffee covered saltine - LAME

some sort of almond square similar to a magic bar but not nearly as delicious

chocolate torte

and

a whipped cream meringue thing

*I would just like to note these were all pieces, literally a bite and I shared the majority of them with Dan. He does not do chocolate covered chocolate baked goods.

I feel very guilty about this because hours after we returned home, I had decided since I already ate all that toxic sugar, I shamefully had a triangle of scallion pancake and three pieces of General Gao Chicken from the *Chinese food that we ordered last night.

*I had steamed chicken with vegetables.

Since I have already fallen so far off the wagon, I have given into the notion that I will consume both pizza and drink beer this evening while watching football with my husband.

Thanks for listening. I feel better and will begin detoxing yet again tomorrow.

Birthday

Today we celebrate a new member entering into the the Thirty Club. Mi prima favorita, Jennifer is celebrating this monumental birthday. She just had a baby, like two weeks ago, so unfortunately I don't think that she will be celebrating the way I did mine - although- looking back I was preggers with the bro bro and had a big ole boat of raw fish and many, many rounds of saki martinis...so maybe she will. Either way, Happy BDay, Jenny-Poo.

Natalie's primo favorito, baby Brett!

Today would also have been my father's 38th birthday for like the fifteenth or sixteenth year. So cocktail hour will begin promptly at five in my house, and martinis will be served. Come one, come all!