Just when I thought the hermit crab situation couldn't get any worse, it did. On my recent trip to the Garden State, I arrived to find that I neglected to bring dog food with me nor was there any in the pantry, so I had to head out to a local pet store. And when I say local, I mean super schwa, smelly, dark grossness that I will never be able to erase from my memory...therefore, I must share the experience with all of you.
I wasn't even in the door when Joe PetStore Worker wanted to help. He was an enigma of sorts to me, a little punk, a little petshop, and a whole lotta gay. In writing it doesn't seem so weird, but in person it truly added to the bizarreness of the entire experience. As Joe PetStore Worker led me to the dog food and carried it back to the register for me (the thing weighed all of four pounds), he asked if there was anything else that I needed.
"Well, Joe, what do ya know about hermit crabs?" I proceeded to tell him how Crawlie crawled under the sand over a week ago and has yet to reappear. "Can they go a week without food, Joey?" "Is he dead, Joe?"
"Well," he pondered, "Have you sprayed the tank with water? Hermit crabs like high humidity. Also, you may want to dig the hermit crab up (to make sure he is alive) and spray his 'gills' with water to clean them out."
I politely responded (because those of you who know me, know just how polite I can me), "Everything you just said is gross, and I won't be doing any of it. What else ya got?"
Somehow this conversation quickly left hermit crabs and led to Joe's collection of tarantulas, the female one being poisonous, the crickets he feeds them and how it isn't a problem if they get out because he has a cat, and a friend's hissing cockroaches, that she keeps as both pets and pet food.
Again, I "politely" told him I thought the hermit crabs were the grossest, he trumped that, and that I had to leave to vomit." That isn't a direct quote, but it's close enough.
And Crawlie still hasn't surfaced, just thought you should know, two weeks and counting. Stay tuned for the Crawlie Memorial Blog...