Monday, March 14, 2011

Everybody Poops

Full disclosure - you read the title, so if you choose to continue reading, no comments about me being gross et al at the end of this post. Just sayin' you can get out of it now.

Everyone has a poop story. I have a friend, who on a trip around the globe, while trying to help her five year old daughter in the airplane bathroom, dropped her glasses in airplane toilet poop. I laughed so hard, I am pretty sure I cried. To hear her tell it was certainly funnier than my brief recap.

My bother is so proud of his bowel movements, that he will take picture of them. I kid you not. In fact, this post just might springboard a picture of his upcoming poop in my inbox, and if the former statement wouldn't, that latter one will. I promise not to share that with you because it is just gross.

I spent last Thursday, Friday and Saturday in Boston for a seminar on modified Mediterranean diet and the medical supplement food created by MetaGenics that support said diet to lose body fat and maintain lean muscle mass. This is what I do now, I put people on this plan and help them become healthier thems. There were a lot of great things about this seminar, one of which, I thought, was they had all the medical food there, so I was able to try all the flavors of shakes and bars. Generally, they were all decent - the pineapple one was pretty gross, but overall they were tolerable. But you know what happens when one follows a Mediterranean diet which is heavy on the veggies, fruit and legume and tries all different kinds of medical foods? Please refer to the title of this post if you are slow on that thought process.

Being out of my house for 10 hours a day meant that I had no choice but to use the facilities there. I was at the Park Plaza Hotel; it's a classy joint. Everything is the bathroom is automated, the hand soap dispenses automatically, the water pours automatically, the paper towels roll out automatically, and the toilets flush automatically. In fact, the toilet flushing is so sensitive, that they flush when you open the door, when you stand up, when you automatically turn on the water to wash your hands, and when you open the door to leave the bathroom. Sanitary, sure, environmentally responsible, ah, not so much.

But it is a fact of life, that everybody poops. There is a book about it. And if you aren't pooping, I would encourage you to see a doctor...soon. And so I did, poop that is. And wouldn't you know that these ultra sensitive, environmentally unsound toilets didn't flush. Worst. Nightmare. I am dancing around this little stall trying to make this thing flush. I am pushing on the piping in the hopes there is some special flushing reset button. Nothin'. So I wait. I wait until I am as sure as I can be that there are no other women in this bathroom, because I would really hate to be remembered as the girl who left on in the pot. What a terrible, terrible reputation. It is even worse than being the girl who asks a question and every time at the end of said question says "In other words" and then repeats the original question more concisely. Why not just ask in the other words way to begin with? It would be worse than being that girl.

I made my escape quietly and slyfully and thought I am going to blog about this and call it "Everybody Poops"

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