It takes me a long time to hang pictures on the walls of my home. I am so afraid that I will be unhappy with the placement of the decor and there will be a hole in the wall - a tiny reminder of my inability to make good, solid decisions. I know it is JUST a wall, and the hole that is made can be spackled and then painted over. BUT if I make a hole and then have to spackle, I will have to repaint the entire wall because I will always stare at that little patch of paint that doesn't match the rest of the wall. Again - failure. And why stop there? If I put a new coat of paint on one wall, how is that going to look against the rest of the room?
One can only imagine the fear I have of painting flowers in my daughter's bedroom. She has this expanse of wall behind her door that is calling out to me, make me pretty. It is all very Dawson's Creek when Joey has a wall that Pacey has bought her and she leaves it blank for a year. This is something that I have been wanting to do since I found out four years ago that I was having a girl.
So today I did some floral research, finding reference flowers I could interpret, put on some Simon and Garfunkel for inspiration, and set to work in her room. I thought about diving right in, busting out the paint and going for it...alas my phobia stopped me before I did irreversible damage. I took out a trusty pencil and did a light sketch of one flower. Hmmmmmm, SURPRISE, I didn't like how it came out. So I began to erase, which wasn't removing my work quite as quickly as I would have like. Simple solution, it is pencil, I soaped up a sponge...that didn't work at all. What kind of pencil is this? The gods are testing me. They want me to overcome this irrational fear of things that can easily be corrected. Brainstorm! I run to the chalkboard and retrieve a harmless piece of white chalk. Now I have white outlines on a light blue wall that are nearly impossible to see, but erase easily with one wipe of a dry towel.
I have been with the same boy for eleven years, six and a half of which we have spent legally bound to each other. I have taken on motherhood, not once, but twice now. I own a home. I think that perhaps I have used up all my ability to commit in life with no hesitation.
I will keep you posted on the progress of this project.